Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
