well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
