burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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