Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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