The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
