WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
