They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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