Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
