he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
