peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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