Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
