I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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