I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
