good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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