Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
