We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
