and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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