I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
