I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
