OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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