She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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