Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
