We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
