I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
