I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
