The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
