I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
