this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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