somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Randomize
