Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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