Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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