I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
