He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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