mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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