your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize