so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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