Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
