Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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