No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
