I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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