Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize