a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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