I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
