I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize