You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
