she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
