I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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