if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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