Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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