We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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