i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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