Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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