I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
