Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
