If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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