I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
