I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All the doctor said was why
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
