You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How naked do you want me to be?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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