I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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