we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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