You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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