I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
