She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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