my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
