you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
