May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
